


Winds of Change

by TimeLadyoftheSith



Series: One Long Night [3]
Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Angst galore, F/M, Please don't beat me, Relationship Problems, there will be fluff I promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-03-24
Packaged: 2018-10-09 17:10:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10417008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TimeLadyoftheSith/pseuds/TimeLadyoftheSith
Summary: The Doctor seeks atonement for his sins.Sequel to Doused Flames and Aching scars and Tempest Tossed.





	1. Ask the Universe Then

On the seventh day God had rested, or so the Christian Bible said. It was on the eighth day, however, that the lonely god, alone in his blue box, sat numbly on the leather jump seat in the console room.

It had been eight, long, tedious, hearts wrenching days since the Tardis doors had closed behind Rose's bag laden back. He had only left once, when a code mauve went off on some planet in the Minyra system. He had stopped the invading army and promptly returned the TARDIS to her parking spot on the curb.

Even his own ship had seen fit to punish him. She had cut power to all but the basic necessities of function. The library had been whisked away to some undisclosed location. The hot water was not working, and the entire pantry stock had been replaced with dehydrated rations. His bed had been replaced by a tiny camping cot, and even the pool had even been drained. Every attempt to speak with his ship, outside of that one mission, had resulted in a very loud screeching in his brain followed by an hour without any lights.

For the first time in three years, the Doctor was irrefutably alone, and, after eight days of solidly refusing to acknowledge it, he finally whispered into the air "I deserve it."

"I deserve it!" He howled, hurling the sonic he had been tapping against his knee across the room. He staggered to his feet, punching his fingers uselessly into the monitor buttons. The Doctor just wanted to see Rose one last time before he accepted the she was never coming back. Yes, he had so many photos of them tucked away somewhere the TARDIS refused to disclose, but he wanted to see her. He just had to make sure she was okay before he ran.

Stubbornly, the TARDIS refused to power up the fuzzy screen. "Please." The Doctor pleaded to his ship. She remained silent. With a heaving sigh, he loosened his tie and began to prepare a launch sequence. He pulled the handle down, and nothing. The TARDIS refused to budge.

He slid down to the grating and pulled at his hair. He didn't blame them, Rose or the TARDIS. He had been a monster. He had maimed and defiled someone, not out of the need for self preservation or defense. He had done it simply because he could.

*Get out*

The TARDIS finally spoke into his mind, but it was not what he expected.

"No." The Doctor whimpered, she couldn't.

*GET OUT* her words blazed into his mind again, like a monsoon of anger. Around him, the monitors blazed to life, repeating the same two words.

The Doctor stood and scrambled to snatch up his sonic, but just as he grasped it in his hand, the ship lurched violently, sending him sprawling out onto the sidewalk in the middle of a thunderstorm. With a wheezing groan, the TARDIS dematerialized, leaving him standing alone in the rain.

"Well isn't that just fantasic." The Doctor screamed. He was standing at a literal intersection. Dead ahead to the south would lead him to where Rose was. To the east and west were the sprawling streets of London. He had no money on him and nowhere to go. So, he kicked at a puddle and went west.

The Doctor had wandered for almost two hours, when the storm really picked up it's intensity. He was soaked, hungry, and could really have gone for a nice hot shower. Lightning struck so close that the Doctor could see the water on the sidewalk sizzle. He dashed up a small set of stone stairs to take cover.

Under the relative safety and dryness of the concrete awning over him, the Doctor shook himself as dry as possible. He literally had nowhere go, and he slightly wondered if he could track Sarah Jane down. He couldn't tell her what had happened, obviously, but maybe he could score a hot meal and a warm bath. The problem, however, was he had no idea where to look.

The Doctor leaned back against the heavy oak door behind him, meaning to tap his head against the rich wood. It creaked open, causing him to stumble backwards into a dimly lit entry way. He flailed his arms behind him, and they collided with a table covered in leaflets. "Sorry!" He stammered out to the empty room, and began to pick the leaflets from the room. "Sorry."

"What exactly are you apologizing for, Sir?" A soft, older voice caused him to spin. Was that a nun? The Doctor shivered as he pictured her with whiskers and claws.

"I bumped your table." He explained softly. "But I cleaned up the mess, see?" He held up his hands, and the leaflets clutched there were sopping wet.

"Yes, well, thank you for that." The nun gave a bemused smile. "Are you quite alright, Mr?"

"Smith." The Doctor busted out, turning to adjust the leaflets back onto the table behind him. "Doctor John Smith."

"Well, Doctor Smith, you're going to catch pneumonia walking around with wet hair and socks." The gentle nun shook her head. "Let me get you a towel and a warm cup of tea."

"I'm fine, really, but thanks though!" The Doctor replied, not turning to face her. "I should be going." He turned to yank open the door. He took two steps outside when a stinging thud clapped him in the face. Well great it was hailing. He stood there for a bit, letting the thumb size chunks of ice batter into him. Finally, heaving a sigh about keeping catnip in his pockets, the Doctor slipped back inside the stone entranceway.

The polite, although very not feline looking, woman had laid down some towels at the puddles he had dragged in. Two more towels sat folded on the table, and a steeping cup of tea sat next to them. The nun had paused from where she was walking in with a mop. "Back so soon, Doctor Smith?"

"It's hailing." The Doctor scratched the back of his head. "Sorry, again."

"No need to apologize to me." The nun's green eyes sparkled in amusement. "Please, take these. There's a bench over there." She pointed behind him to a cushioned bench tucked against a wall. "But I find the sanctuary is a bit more inviting during a storm." She gestured to a door just down the wide hallway, and the Doctor could smell smoldering wax and smoke.

"Thank you, Sister." He smiled politely, knowing it didn't quite reach his eyes, and picked up the towels and tea. Then he wandered his way down to the sanctuary. It was empty, except for the candles that sat lit in the front, but a priest came walking from a back room. He placed a large Bible on the pulpit area, passed the symbol of the cross in front of him, and then began walking down the aisles, straightening the shelves in each pew.

The Doctor draped a towel over his shoulders and spread the other one politely on the bench. Then he sat down, his tea in hand, and took a sip. It was warm, but bitter on his tongue after so long of not having anything but lukewarm tap water. He made a face before sipping again.

"I've never seen someone make a face like that about Sister Alyssa's tea before." A bass chuckle brought his attention back to the priest. His accent was out of place. It bespoke upper Manhattan, not the rectory's of England.

"Bit hot." The Doctor explained sipping again. The priest smiled and continued organizing.

The nun had been right. In the swooping halls of the sanctuary, the wind did not seem to howl so loudly, and the rain and hail thudding off the stained glass sounded like chimes. The Doctor sat quietly, sipping his tea and thrumming his fingers against his leg, but another crack of thunder made him jump. He wondered briefly when he became afraid of that sound.

"Funny, isn't it." The Priest was speaking again. "How something like thunder can be comforting to some, but terrify others."

The Doctor took another sip of tea and let out an agreeing hum. He wasn't really in the mood to chat, which was weird, considering he'd been in isolation for over a week. The taste of the tea was still not sitting right with him, and he took a moment to analyze the flavor. A citrusy bouquet of hibiscus, orange zest, a hint of lemon, and ,yuck, pear. That was the bitter taste. It cloyed his throat and he sat the mug down. Now the universe was punishing him too.

Lightening flashed again, sending a kaleidoscope of colors through the stained glass onto the white stones of the floor. "Nature does nothing uselessly." The bass voice of the Priest was closer, only two pews away.

"Aristotle." The Doctor finally spoke. "Not someone I'd expect a man of the cloth to quote." For the first time in what seemed a hundred years, a wry smile ached at the Doctor's lips.

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." The Priest was pulling a piece of paper covered in doodles from a hymnal. He held the paper up for a moment, and the Doctor saw the scribbles of a child's crude interpretation of a tree and flowers around a squiggly house. Instead of crumbling it up, the Priest folded it neatly and tucked it into his pocket.

It was silent for a moment before the Priest moved to the row directly ahead of the Doctor. Instead of organizing or looking for litter, the grey haired man settled into the pew and turned to look over the back of it at the Doctor "Something wrong with the tea?" He asked with an amused look.

"I don't like pears." The Doctor replied.

"Oh, I see." The Priest grew quiet for a moment. "I'm Father Joshua." The priest extended a hand.

"The Doctor." He replied, shaking the man's hand. It was hard to be rude, even for him, to such a genuine smile.

"Interesting name." The Priest's eyes were warm, and the wrinkles near his eyes crinkled as he smiled "I don't mean to pry." The man paused. "Well, that's not exactly the truth, as I'm obviously doing so, but you look like you could use an ear." The priest gestured to a confessional off to the side of the room. "The booths are open you know."

"I'm not one to seek absolution from an invisible man in the sky." The Doctor snorted.

"Understandable." The Priest mused. He didn't walk away though. He sat quietly, staring at the rivulets of water trailing down the colored glass to their left.

The Doctor shifted in his seat. The silver haired man's silence was not cold or imposing, but the relaxed peacefulness of it shamed the Doctor. Rose, he knew, held some small belief in God, as did many humans. Though she did not consider herself a full believer. Perhaps this man could shed light on her perspective, though he did not know her. The Doctor cleared his throat, after three minutes and forty two seconds of silence. "Father Joshua."

"Hmm?" The kind old man didn't move his eyes from rainbow streams in the wall.

"Hypothetically speaking, say someone had done a terrible thing." The Doctor scratched the stubble growing on his chin, he had neglected to shave for a few days it seemed. "And although it was in..." he paused, trying to find the right word. "Vengeance of someone he deeply cared for."

"So, somebody hurt someone that a hypothetical person loved, and said hypothetical person delivered what they felt was justice?" The Priest summarized, still not looking at him.

"Yes." The Doctor replied. "And say hypothetically, said person caused the one who had been originally... victimized to hurt."

"Hypothetically speaking." The Priest rubbed his chin for a moment. "Did the original victim ask to be avenged, or did the avenger take it upon him or herself to exact judgement?"

"Took it upon themselves."

"This is a very interesting conundrum." The Priest gazed for a moment at the crucifix hanging above the pulpit. "A question I have been pondering for a few days, actually, as someone else presented me with a nearly identical scenario earlier this week."

The Doctor felt his hearts jerk. "Oh. Well, that's a strange coincidence."

"Very strange indeed, Doctor." The Priest smiled, fixing the Doctor with a compassionate glance. "Before someone can ask for forgiveness, they must first regret their actions. They can not simply say that they are sorry, if they are not truly repentant." The white collared man patted the back of the pew with a finger. "Once one ceases their attempts at justifying their actions, then they can begin to regret, and then seek forgiveness."

The Doctor frowned and looked down at his hands. He did regret his actions, as much as he tried to justify his behavior. He chewed the inside of his jaw. The question was, it seemed, could he swallow his pride and let regret take hold.

"But what do I know?" The Priest heaved a sigh. "I'm simply a humble servant of our Heavenly Father. I can offer one simpler action that may help."

"What's that?" The Doctor queried with a raised eyebrow.

"You could always light a candle and ask for direction with your hypothetical question." The Priest smiled.

"I already told you." The Doctor chuckled. "I don't believe in God."

"Well, then light a candle and ask the universe." The Priest gestured to the tables in the front.

The Doctor was not conscious of his feet moving, so lost in thought as he was, until the heat from the rows of candles warmed the damp skin of his face. His fingers were already reaching to light a candle. There was only one thing, one person, one whole truth that the Doctor believed in. The charred wick caught flame and the Doctor muttered the only two words he could ever say in prayer. "Rose Tyler."


	2. What The Hell Was The Doctor Doing in A Church?

The glass shook against Rose's head, as thunder boomed overhead. She had long since stopped checking her mobile, in hopes that she had missed a text or call. She hadn't seen or heard from the Doctor in eight days. She knew she had made the decision to walk out, to take some time to breath, but she had hoped he would come chasing after her.

"Rose, sweetie, would you like some tea?" Jackie was in her doorway.

"Not right now Mum, thanks though." Rose smiled at her.

"Well let me know." Jackie gave her an understanding smile before she turned.

The thunder that crashed again almost muted the whoosh Rose heard coming from the cramped corner of her room. It grew louder in intensity, and soon a heavy wind sent the pages she had been sketching on around the room.

"I'm gonna kill him!" Jackie yelled from the kitchen.

"Mum, get out!" She jumped from her bed and slammed the door closed just as the TARDIS fully materialized. The familiar humming pressed tenderly against her thoughts.

Rose stared at the doors. She wasn't going in first, so he better come out. They didn't open. She reached out tentatively with her thoughts to the ship. "What's he playing at?"

The ship sent her an image of him being tossed from the inside onto the sidewalk. Then the TARDIS glowed affection in her mind, and Rose realized the ship had missed her. "I missed you too, you beautiful girl." Rose smiled, leaning her head against the warm wood of the door. Rose's phone binged in her pocket. She pulled it out and clicked on the email notification. It was from the the priest she had met earlier this week. Normally Rose was not given to religious tendencies, but after some nagging from her mum, Rose had sought out a random church.

Miss Tyler,

As promised, I have given some thought into the matter we discussed. While I do appreciate the ease that technology allows, I still prefer to deliver my answers in person. I will be available to meet at three, if that is acceptable to you.

Peace Be With You,  
Father Joshua Anders

  
Rose checked the time. It was already fifteen after one. "I have to take care of something. I'll be back soon." She murmured patting the ship. The light on top flickered softly.

Rose snatched up her raincoat from the back of her door, and dug an umbrella from under her bed. She cracked open the door to find her mum standing crossed armed in the hall.

"So wheres himself then?" Jackie questioned.

"Dunno." Rose shrugged. "He wasn't in the TARDIS."

"Oh, you going to look for him then?" Jackie gestured at Rose's attire.

"No, I have to go take care of something." Rose explained. "I'll be back in a bit."

"Be safe!" Jackie called after her as Rose headed out into the rain.

It was four minutes to three when Rose scrambled out of the cab and up the stairs to the church. Sister Alyssa, who Rose had met earlier that week, was laying out leaflets on the wooden table in the entry hall. "Hello again Sister." Rose smiled at the woman.

"Lovely to see you again Miss Tyler." The woman replied. "Father Joshua is expecting you. He should be straightening up the sanctuary for Mass."

"Thank you." Rose turned to head down the hall.

"Be careful, the floor is wet." The nun called.

Father Joshua voice was audible as Rose drew closer to the door. "Then light a candle and ask the universe."

Rose paused. She didn't want to intrude on another person's time. She waited until she heard squeaking of shoe soles on the floor, before she stepped into the sanctuary. She looked down, gripping the back of a pew as she slid on a puddle and saw a damp towel next to a cup of tea. They must belong to the person who was walking

Father Joshua was just rising to his feet, when she saw him. "Sorry to interrupt you meeting." She smiled extending her hand to the man.

"You didn't interrupt at all, Miss Tyler." The Priest's smile was grandfatherly. "Shall we move into my counseling office?" He asked waving her back out the sanctuary into the hall.

"Of course." Rose was nervous. She wasn't sure, still, if his advice was what she needed. However, when she had been in his office a few days prior, she had found many books with names on the spines referencing Aristotle, Plato, and Epicurus.

Her travels in the TARDIS had helped Rose develop a fondness for ancient philosophers, and the Doctor had even introduced her to Socrates at one point. That had warmed Rose to the older gentleman immediately. Father Joshua hadn't tried to sway her thoughts with scriptures. Once she had established her skepticism, he had resulted to more secular topics.

"I hope my appointment didn't interfere with any other plans you had today, Rose." The priest let her into the small room that held a small table, a leather chair, and a plush couch. He gestured for her to sit.

"Not at all." Rose smiled and settled down.

"Let's just jump right into it then." The man leaned back into the chair and Rose mimicked his pose. "You came to me for advice on how to forgive someone you feel violated your trust, is that about the sum of it?"

Rose nodded. Despite all the the actions that had led up to her leaving, it all boiled down to that. Her trust in the Doctor had been shaken to its core.

"Yet, when we spoke, it was clear you had already decided to forgive him." Father Joshua raised an eyebrow. "Now, while you didn't say those words, it was plainly evident in your eyes. The answer I have concluded is this, you forgave him before he felt regret for his actions, and that hurt you more than what he actually did. You walked out on him, because you actually blamed yourself for the actions he took."

That was a perspective Rose hadn't even considered. Still, that confused her. "I'm not entirely sure what you mean, Father."

"Rose, be honest with yourself for a moment. It's just you and I in here, and no one else." The Priest waved a hand to the empty room. "Did you already know if you told this friend of yours what had happened to you, that he would not be content to let it pass without retribution?"

Rose swallowed hard. She knew the Doctor was a man of action as much a man of words. He sought for justice and balance in the universe as would anyone in his position. "Yes." She admitted, looking down at her thumb. "I did."

"Did you ask him to not do anything rash or desperate?" The man's voice wasn't accusing, although Rose could easily have shoved back that it was. He was simply lighting a path to a line of thought she had been avoiding.

"No, Father." Rose shook her head.

"Well, then Rose, do you blame yourself for what happened?" The man settled back into his chair and began twirling his thumbs around each other as Rose took her time.

Rose thought it over. Is that what had really been keeping her awake all week? Not the actions of the Doctor, but that she felt personally accountable for Jimmy's fate. She swallowed hard, her stomach in heavy knots. "Yes." She whispered looking down at her black tights. "I do."

"Well don't." The priests voice was gentle. "You need to realize that none of it is your fault. Not what happened to you." He gave her a knowing look. "And, I have counseled enough young ladies to know exactly what it was without you saying." He paused. "What occurred after that, well, that isn't your fault either. Your friend, he obviously wanted to protect you. His actions, however terrible they may be, were done out of love. My advice, though." He paused to pull a tissue from the box on the table and hand it to her. "Is to find out if he regrets what he did. If he does, if you truly believes he does, then you should forgive him."

"Thank you, Father Joshua." She dabbed her eyes before her mascara could smear. The man was right. She had held onto self blame for so long, that she had immediately resorted back to it. She stood up, tucking her smudged tissue in her pocket.

"Now, I know you said you don't hold belief in all of this." The priest chuckled as he escorted her back into the office. "But sometimes doing something out of the ordinary can help us find our path. Why don't you go light a candle and ask for some guidance."

"I told you, Father." Rose chuckled at the man guiding her back to the sanctuary. "I don't really believe in God."

"Then why don't you light one and ask the universe?" The Priest was chuckling now too.

"You said that to someone earlier!" Rose realized. "That should be your catch phrase."

"Well, it worked for them." Father Joshua patted her shoulder affectionately. "When I escorted you out, they seemed to have found someone to pray to."

Rose stepped into the sanctuary again. It had been about twenty minutes, but the towel and tea still sat on last pew. She shrugged this off, and stared at her feet as she moved up the aisle to light a candle. She could give it a try, she decided. See if The universe, in all it's splendor, held the mysterious answer to her problem.

She knelt down, just briefly, and sent a silent plea to the stars above, to give her some sign on how she should proceed. Did she go back to the Doctor, or did she try to move on? She almost looked up at the squeaking sound of rubber soles on the floor, but she didn't. Feeling a bit foolish, Rose rose to her feet. She felt her mobile vibrate, and she pulled it out. Her mum was texting her, asking her to grab a bag of sugar on her way home. She rolled her eyes, tucking it back into her pocket.

Rose hurried up the aisle, zipping up her coat. She realized, too late, that she should have been paying attention, and she slipped on a wet spot. She reached out to steady herself, and snagged the shoulder of the person who had stopped to retrieve the towel and cup from the last pew. "Sorry." She apologized. "I slipped."

She looked up as the sound of the cup shattering against the floor echoed through the room. Her eyes met with a pair of brown ones she could never forget. What the hell was the Doctor doing in a church?


	3. Prove it

The Doctor had been deep in thought when that shoe squeaked and a warm, delicate hand grabbed his shoulder for support. He had expected to turn and find that sweet nun. He did not expect to find the answer to his solitary prayer. The mug in his hand shattered to the floor.

The Doctor's body reacted to this universe shattering chain of events before his quite marvelous mind could catch up. He pulled Rose to him, tangling his hands in the hair at the back of her neck, and lost himself in her lips. She tasted heavenly, like rain and love and peace and banana smoothies on a beach.

Rose's arms were around his neck, and her fingers were scratching temptingly in the hairs at the nape of his neck. Her body was curved into his so perfectly, and she felt so warm and good and pure and... The Doctor's mind finally caught up with a crash, and Rose wasn't kissing him back.

He pulled his head back to stare into her whiskey colored eyes. Her mascara was smeared in the corners, as was her lipstick now. Okay, Impressive Time Lord mind, brain, thing, time to make mouth speak.

"Well hello to you too, Doctor." Rose's whispered voice was like a balm to the gaping holes in his hearts. She was smiling his favorite smile, and he wanted to chase that tongue right back into her mouth.

"Hello Rose." He whispered back. She wasn't pulling away. This was good, or was it bad? The Doctor stroked her ear with his thumb, and his hearts did flips when she didn't flinch back.

He watched as her eyes flicked back and forth between his eyes, as if searching for some answer. The Doctor tried to pour it into her eyes. He was sorry. He was so sorry. He had done an unspeakable evil that he could never hope to atone for. He would understand if she wanted to leave him forever, and he deserved it. He would accept that punishment without hesitation if that's what she wanted. He was not worthy of her love, of the TARDIS' loyalty and friendship, or even of his own name. "Rose, I-"

"Shut up, Doctor." Rose ordered and pulled his lips down to hers.

Now she was kissing him. Her lips were soft and urgent. That tantalizing tongue was twirling around his. Her nails dug into the back of his neck, and it stung. The Doctor didn't care. Let her draw blood, if that's what she wanted, so long as she didn't stop kissing him.

He pulled her closer, her rain coat crinkling noisily between them, and their teeth clashed roughly together. He about lost his footing when she tangled her hands in his hair and pressed up on her tiptoes to pull him even closer.

"As happy as I am to see my advice has helped." Father Joshua's voice echoed into the sanctuary. "Kissing like that should really only happen in a sanctuary after I bless a marriage."

The Doctor jerked his head up and felt himself flush. He hadn't even realized he had let his respiratory bypass kick in until it switched off again, causing him to gasp.

Rose looked equally as breathless and just as scandalized. Stars above she looked beautiful all pink and flustered.

"I'd say I'm sorry, Father." The Doctor grinned as he finally looked over at the man, all while keeping Rose tight against his chest. "But I do believe lying is a violation of one of your God's commandments."

"Doctor!" Rose hissed and gave him a quick, but soft, kick in the shin. "Rude!" Oh, there was his feisty wonderful Rose.

"That's me, rude and still not ginger." The Doctor giggled, giddy with the aroma of her so close.

"Sorry, Father, we'll just be going now." Rose was shaking her head and pulling away. This couldn't be good. No, wait, she's holding his hand now. Panic averted.

"Are you sure you don't want to stay for the service?" Father Joshua was smiling at them in an understanding way, as they made their way past him. The Doctor usually didn't gravitate towards men, or women, of religion, but this priest was really growing on him.

"Like I said, there's only one thing in the universe I believe in." The Doctor called over his shoulder. "And it's not some invisible man in the sky."

"Also rude!" Rose elbowed him this time as they passed the incoming parishioners.

The Doctor didn't care. They stepped out of the crowd of people coming through the door and into the now soft drizzle. He clung tightly to Rose's hand as they made it down the slick steps to the sidewalk. He knew he was smiling like an idiot, but he couldn't help himself.

"I've missed you, Rose." He murmured, pulling her to a stop and wrapping his arms around her waist. Her hands spread enticingly against his chest, and the Doctor pressed his lips to hers again, seeking absolution from the only person who's judgement mattered.

Rose broke away after a moment. "We need to talk." She replied, fiddling with his tie. "Let's go get a drink yeah?"

"If, if you want." The Doctor replied. Rose wanted to talk, and she wanted to do it somewhere public. He knew enough about the twenty-first century human dating rituals to know that this could be very very bad.

He tried not to grimace as Rose tucked her hands into the pockets of her raincoat, and nodded her head down the sidewalk. He followed beside her, trying not to let despair overcome him. Rose was going to leave him, and he knew it. He was unforgivable, and he knew he deserved it. Once it was very clear that she was not going to take his hand again, the Doctor shoved them into his own pockets.

It only took them about ten minutes of heartsbreaking silence before they came across an open pub. He followed her inside as she ordered a couple of drinks. Then they settled into a booth near the back of the room. The Doctor took a sip of the drink, not even processing anything besides the sharp burn on his tongue. Rose hadn't even picked hers up yet. She was swirling the ice around inside with a tiny red straw.

"Doctor." Her hesitant voice caused him to jump a bit, but he couldn't bring himself to look up from the napkin he had begun tearing into tiny shreds of white fluff. "Will you stop that and look at me?"

The Doctor slowly raised his eyes to meet hers. He knew he should try to shut off the pain that was evident in them, to spare her the struggle. He just couldn't find the energy. He was surprised to see her staring at him affection, although there was disappointment too.

"What were you doing in a Church?" She was trying very hard not to smile, and he couldn't figure out if that was a good thing or a bad thing. How was it possible for this tiny, adorable little human to make his mind turn to thoughtless mush?

"I was." The Doctor was out of napkin, so he began drumming his fingers on the glass in front of him. "I was sorta just leaning against a door, and it fell open. Then I knocked over a table of pamphlets. I tried to leave, but it was hailing and I had nowhere to go. So then a nun gave me tea, and the next thing I know Father Joshua is quoting Aristotle at me." Okay he should stop rambling now. "The tea had pears in it, Rose, pears."

"Well then." His Rose was biting back a smile. No, not his Rose. He should stop thinking like that, or it will only hurt more.

"Why were you there, Rose?" The Doctor was curious now.

"I just needed someone to talk to about something." Rose replied, looking down at her thumbnail for a moment. "I needed an outsider's point of view."

"Well, that is understandable." The Doctor couldn't admit that he did find it strange for her to seek out religious counsel. She had never shown any real tendencies towards them. "Were you able to get the advice you needed?"

"Yes, actually." Rose was chewing in that thumbnail now, and he wanted to stop her before she made herself bleed. "Tell me something though, Doctor, why did you do it? You were so soft and tender and sweet. You seemed so calm when I fell asleep. What changed all that?"

"I don't." He swallowed and reached over to gently tug her thumbnail away from her mouth and dab a piece of shredded napkin to the prick of blood that had come to the surface. "I saw you laying there, in my arms, and all I could do was see how much pain you had felt. At first, Rose, at first I just wanted to scare him a bit." The regret started leaking in now. "I was just going to shake him up a bit. I swear!" The Doctor realized he was still holding that soft thumb, and he let go shamefully. "I saw the squalor he kept himself in, and I could just see you there. I just, I lost control."

He waited for her to reply, to say or doing anything. He could tell she was waiting for something. She still hadn't touched her drink, and her smile was gone. Her eyes were so void of emotion, and the Doctor thought he might die the true death then and there seeing her so empty.

"Oh, Rose, I regret it. I can't take it back. I can't fix it." He choked back a sob. "I did what you asked. I tracked down his mother. I told her I knew the man responsible for what happened to him. I set up the funds for his treatment and recovery." He couldn't stand to look at those cold eyes in Rose's face anymore. If there was a hell, he was sure his would be staring at that emotionless gaze for eternity.

"Do you really regret it, Doctor?" Rose asked. Her voice wasn't angry, accusing, or even sad. It was far worse. It was steeped with doubt. She had never doubted him since 'run', and the Doctor decided that that voice would probably also be in his hell.

"Yes." He whispered urgently.

"Prove it." Rose was standing now, coming around the table to sit next to him on the leather bench.

"How?" The Doctor turned to her as she took both of his hands. He would do anything.

"You can't lie in your head, right?" Her voice was still doubtful. It washed over him like a painful rash.

No, she couldn't be asking him for that. "No, I can't lie in my mind." It was the truth. One could temporarily alter or hide a memory or thought, but it would be noticeable. As observant as Rose was, she'd be able to pick it up, even with no telepathic training.

"Show me you regret it." Rose had lifted his right hand to her left cheek and cupped it there.

The Doctor swallowed and looked around the somewhat empty business. How they must look, snuggled together in a booth, holding hands and caressing cheeks. "Are you sure?" He had to double check she was okay with the thought of him in her mind. He waited for her to nod, and she did.

The Doctor scooted further into the booth, so his back was against the wall and they were hidden by the high back of the seat. Rose scooted right in next to him. "Okay, Rose, listen." He couldn't help but stroke a thumb across each of her cheeks as he slid his hands up her face. He lowered his voice to a whisper. "I'll need to enter your mind first, to establish a connection, then I'll lead you back into mine. Just remember, anything you don't want me to see for the brief moment I'm in your thoughts, simply lock it behind a door."

"Door, right, got it." Rose finally showed emotion, and it was just as nervous as he felt. "I'm ready when you are." Her eyes fluttered shut.

The Doctor slid his fingers the rest of the way up to her temples, closed his own eyes, and pressed ever so delicately his thoughts in her direction.


	4. The Transference Gap

Rose felt just a slight knock on the left side of her brain. It was an odd sensation, like a whisper. She floundered for a moment, trying to figure out what to do, then she remembered what the Doctor had said about doors. She scrunched her eyes tight, and pictured the door to her bedroom on the TARDIS, how it felt when her hand closed around the knob and pulled it open.

With a click, she was no longer staring at the back of her eyelids. She was standing on the creamy white carpet of her room, the door opened wide. The Doctor stood there, but the normal grayish blue hallway was just an empty black space. "Hello." He whispered, but didn't step into the room. His voice sounded so different. It was more musical, somehow, she couldn't quite put a finger on it.

"Hello." Rose responded. "Are we inside my mind?"

"Yes." The Doctor's smile was adoring. "I'm impressed. That was perfect."

"Yeah?" She couldn't help but blush under his gaze. Then she remembered why they were here. "Right then, whenever you're ready."

"Follow me." The Doctor's smile faltered, and he held out a hand to her.

Rose took it, wondering at how warm it felt in contrast to his normally cool touch. It was solid, but Rose was certain that if she concentrated, she could pass her hand right through his.

"You could, if you tried." The Doctor chuckled.

"You could hear that?" Rose gasped.

"Love, we're inside your mind right now. I can hear all your thoughts, unless you block me." He looked just a tad embarrassed at violating her privacy. "Remember what I said about blocking."

"Yes." She swallowed nervously, and it was a strange sensation, because she felt it both in her mind and vaguely in her full body. "Lead on."

The Doctor took her other hand and pulled her out into the dark space. "This is called the transference gap." He explained as he walked backwards, leading her slowly. "It's the space between two minds when they aren't fully merged."

Rose gasped when a shimmering golden archway appeared out of the nothing behind him. "Is that the way into your mind?" It was beautiful. The metal gleamed yellow, with blue and white swirling runes decorating the edges. "It's gorgeous!"

"Thank you." His soft smile was back. "When we step in, it may be a bit bright for a moment. My consciousness is a little more overpowering than a human's. I'll try to suppress it as much as possible and still allow you in."

Rose nodded. She was nervous, both at what she might see and what she might not. The Doctor had passed back under the Archway, and she stepped in after him.

He was right. The light inside was momentarily blinding. Rose had to drop his hands to cover her, quite literal, mind's eye. Slowly, it faded away and she found herself standing in a soaring cathedral. The walls, from corner to corner and floor to roof, were covered in shelves. Books, strange swirling globes, and clicking gadgets adorned them.

The Doctor was standing in front of her, his arms limp at his side, and he was toeing the rich mahogany wood with his trainer. Behind him stood a massive grandfather clock, but instead of numbers, there were ten portraits and one empty frame. In the number nine spot, was the man she had first ran away with. Carved around the face of the clock, was a series of swirling patterns she had come to associate with the Doctor's native tongue. They faded and glowed bright in a strange four beat pattern. Below the clock face, where the weights and pendulum should have been, was a massive hourglass. There was a shimmering golden cloud in the top half, that let out a ray of light every so often. The bottom half was filled with golden dust and odd little trinkets. Was that a stick of celery? How weird.

"May I?" Rose asked, pointing at the clock.

"Of course." The Doctor replied, even though his lips did not move.

Rose stepped up to the clock. The men in the portraits gazed down at her. So many faces he had worn. She went up on her tiptoes and touched the portrait with the blue eyes she had first fallen so hard for. The man in the picture smiled at the touch, and Rose jumped back in surprise.

"He's around here somewhere, you know." The Doctor's voice echoed from behind her in that strange music again. "I could try to find him, if you want. Drag him kicking and screaming in here by those ears."

"No." Rose sighed, even though the thought made her chuckle. "We need to stay on topic." She forced herself to turn and face him. "So how does this work? Do I just ask you the question and you answer, or..." she let her voice trail off.

"You can ask." The Doctor reached out for her hands. She let him hold them, but did not return the squeeze he gave.

"Doctor, do you honestly regret what you did? Not just the fact that you got caught and broke my trust?" Rose knew she was being downright harsh, but damn it all, he deserved it. "Do you honestly regret hurting Jimmy."

The mental sun that was illuminating the cathedral dimmed, and rain began to trickle down the glass dome.

"Yes." The Doctor replied. The entire room echoed with the sincerity of that word. Rose was floored by the raw honesty in his voice. "Yes, Rose I am. What I did was wrong, no matter how justified I felt at the time. I had no right, no place, and no justification to do what I did. It was sick and evil. I'm so sorry." He dropped her hands. "If you want to leave for good, I understand."

The rain was beating down harder on the glass over head, and she realized that it was the Doctor's crying. He was actually crying.

"Doctor, I don't want to leave!" She threw herself into his arms. "I just needed to know that you weren't changing inside. I was so scared. It was like I didn't know who you were anymore." She felt his arms close around her waist, and she placed a kiss on his lips. The Doctor kissed her back with such passion, she felt the room waiver for a moment. It regained focus as she pulled back from his lips. The tears she saw in his eyes made her kiss him all over again.

With a sudden yank, Rose felt herself snap back into herself. She was a bit disoriented because she could still feel the Doctor's lips moving against hers, but his hands weren't around her waist anymore. They were tangled in the hair on the back of her head. She pulled back with a gasp to star at him. "What happened?"

"Sorry." He choked, his eyes red and damp. "I lost my concentration when you kissed me." His cheeks flushed. "I guess I was a bit overwhelmed."

The Doctor just admitted he was overwhelmed. Somewhere, hell had frozen over, she was sure of it. "I don't want to leave." Rose said, burying her face in his neck. "I love you, Doctor."

"I love you, too." He murmured into her hair.

"Can we go home?" Rose asked, looking up at him anxiously. They were drawing attention from the slowly gathering crowds.

She raised an eyebrow when the Doctor grimaced. "Slight problem there." He huffed.

"What's that?" Rose asked, scooting back out of his arms to grab her drink. Telepathy apparently made her thirsty.

"The TARDIS sort of evicted me, and then she ran off. No idea where she is." He looked properly embarrassed.

Rose laughed out loud. Oh he could be such an idiot sometimes. She took his hand and pulled him out of the pub after her.

"It isn't funny, Rose!" The Doctor looked affronted as he followed her. "I'm serious. She ran away!"

"I know where she is, you daft alien." Rose couldn't help but shake She flagged down a cab and slid into the back.

"Where?" The Doctor asked, sliding in after her.

"In my bedroom at my mum's. Where else would your other girlfriend be? We both know she likes me more than you." The look in the cab driver's eyes paired with the Doctor's insulted face was more than Rose could bear, and she collapsed into a fit of laughter in the Doctor's arms.

 


End file.
